"So I pray for wisdom and the ability to discern between caution and irrational fear."
This was the last sentence of my post on Tuesday, March 31st. Well....I gave in to fear. I'm just not sure if it was irrational or not.
I had planned to go on a trip 12 hours away from home. I looked up the local hospitals and found out which one's had trauma centers. I grabbed my book with his lists of surgeries and diagnoses. I had the CD with his four latest MRI's. But.....it was not enough. As the date got closer, I began to panic. I had horrible dreams that he had a shunt infection and had to be externalized and given a 21 day course of antibiotics and we are 12 hours from home..... So I decided we would not go. Then I felt bad for giving in to the fear. So I would talk myself into going again, and the panic set back in. It was a vicious cycle.
My friend from work told me that I have to remember that even though Randy went through all the physical pain, I went through the emotional pain. My other friend told me that I need to take baby steps. Maybe start with a trip four hours from home and work my way up.
My biggest fear is that I will hold onto this fear for an unreasonable amount of time and keep Randy from experiencing the world. Or worst, I may put my fears on him. I do NOT want to do that to my son.
So I sit here typing in my pj's at home instead of being out of town. So once again, I pray for wisdom and the ability to discern between caution and irrational fear.
Just some random pictures
1 year ago