Pity party

I cannot seem to get it together. That shunt malfunction last month just blew my mind. This latest shunt revision was exactly one year from his first shunt revision. I am so fearful that summer and fall of 2009 will be a repeat if 2008. I don't know if I can take another fall like last year. Randy was hospitalized 7 times and was operated on 10+ times. He had been doing so good; he had not had a revision since September 22, 2008. I did not even see the signs; I had no idea his shunt was failing..... I feel like the other shoe just dropped.

I keep questioning "why my baby". Not necessarily the prematurity; I know quite a few people with preemies, even micropreemies. But why did my baby have to suffer brain damage? My two close friends and my cousin had preemies over 18 years ago, 28 week twins and a 29 weeker, and their children came through with flying colors. My cousin had a 29 weeker; nothing more than mild ADD. My friends daughter just recently had a 24 weeker; no brain bleeds for him either. I know that I should not question, but lately I can't seem to let it go.

I am just getting weary from worry. I don't know why I am worrying about things I cannot change, but I am. I am just flesh and you know it gets weak. And now I feel like I can't let my guard down. As soon as I do, something else will happen.

I'm tired of well meaning questions and comments from others. "Girl put him down and let him walk" (he can't). "I know he's all over the place" (umm...actually he's not). "Can he crawl" (no). "He'll probably just skip crawling" (really?). "What's wrong with his eyes" (none of your business). "Awwwww" (he does not need pity).

I know I sound like a total witch today. Forgive me and pray for me.

Enjoy a cute face after my grumpy post. Riding the boat at the zoo.