Randy's Adjusted Birthday

Today would have been Randy's first birthday had he made it to his due date. It is amazing how different I feel this day than I felt on his actual birthday. On his actual birthday I was a ball of emotions ranging from grateful to angry to sad. I was not able to have a party for him because his sensory issues were bad at the time and he would whine and vomit when he was around too much commotion or too many people. And it was still RSV season and I did not want him to get sick. Today he still does not like a lot of commotion; but he is soooo much better. He may whine a little, but he no longer vomits from the over stimulation.

I had seriously considered having him an "adjusted birthday party". But as time got closer, I decided against it. Now I know I have to adjust for medical reasons and to get a better estimate of where he should be developmentally, but I need to being to mourn the notion of when he should have been born and accept that he was born 3 months early. I feel that this is an important step in me stopping all the "what ifs" in my head. So instead of thinking if he had been born this day he would...

• be standing and/or walking
• not have hydrocephalus
• not have a shunt
• not be delayed
• ready to move to cow's milk
• drinking from a sippy cup
• drink more than 12 oz per day
• not have spent months in the hospital
• have good vision
• have good hearing
• not be "special needs"

I am focusing on his strengths. He is:

• charming
• sweet
• able to sit, scoot, and pivot
• can say ma ma, da da, bye bye, hi, and la la
• strong
• determine
• loving

His prematurity affects who he is, but it does NOT define him.